.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
