I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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