I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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