clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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