Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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