what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
