John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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