Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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