I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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