its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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