it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
