It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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