How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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