God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Randomize
