It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
