Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
