I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
