Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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