I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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