I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
