i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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