Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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