Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
