remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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