I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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