my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
