i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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