I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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