We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
