when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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