Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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