You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
