I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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