See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
