He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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