you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
