i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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