just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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