Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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