I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
