I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
