Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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