I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
