You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
