.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
