You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize