I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
