come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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