if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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