Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Who died my cat blue again?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
