I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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