Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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