I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
