he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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