the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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