Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
