She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
