As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
