Old men and throwing up are my life now.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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