yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
